Reasons someone might consider adoption: Not ready to parent

By content specialist Leah Lusk and program manager Delphine Veith

Some people consider adoption because they don’t yet feel ready to become a parent. They might believe they need to finish other things in their life before parenting feels feasible. For example, they may want to finish school, get better established in a new career, have their own place to live, or feel more stable in their mental or physical health.

These are all real, valid concerns. But readiness is not all or nothing — and it’s not fixed in time. A crisis during pregnancy doesn’t mean a crisis forever. With enough of the right support — counseling, resources, and people who show up to help — many people who don’t initially feel “ready” can find their way into becoming capable and confident parents. But not everyone has access to support, and not all adoption professionals see it as their responsibility to help someone access resources if they want to explore parenting. (We do!)

It’s also true that people’s idea of what “ready to parent” means is based on messages that are all around us in society. People are often raised with the idea that children should have two parents and a high level of financial resources, and that being able to provide certain opportunities are what make people ready to become parents. But if you ask any first-time parent if they were ready, most of them would say no.

We do occasionally see people who have convinced themselves they aren’t ready to become parents shift that belief when their child is born. Sometimes this is because family or friends step forward and offer support that wasn’t previously available, and sometimes people just feel differently when they meet their child. This doesn’t mean they have all of the answers, but the motivation to make it work can change, leading to a shift in their own capacity to parent.

In other circumstances, someone facing an unplanned pregnancy might know that they don’t ever want to be a parent, so it’s not a question of readiness. In these situations, if someone doesn’t choose to have an abortion or learns of their pregnancy too late, planning an adoption might feel like an obvious answer. But even in situations where someone expresses a certainty in not wanting to parent, it’s important to support them as they take the time to weigh their options – and leave room for their feelings to change, or not.

Coming next week: To give their child a ‘better’ life