Expectant parent stories

Every day we hear a variety of stories in which pregnant people are making difficult choices.

To protect the privacy of our clients, these composite stories were created by OA&FS counselors using characteristics and circumstances from real-life experiences of people who used our services.

Everyone is welcome here – we treat you with respect and dignity

Chloe and Josh are a young couple who find themselves facing an unexpected pregnancy in the first few months of their relationship. With both of them still in school, they don’t feel ready to be parents yet. They’re intrigued by adoption, but don’t have much information about the process.

They look online for adoption agencies, and choose one with a bold website and lots of photos of happy babies and families. When Chloe calls she’s put off by their impersonal tone – a receptionist asks her for her height and weight, how far along she is, if she knows if she’s having a boy or a girl, and says that an “adoption guide” will call her. While this phone call doesn’t feel great, Chloe and Josh assume that adoption agencies will all be pretty much the same, so they continue working with this agency for several months.

As they ask for information about potential adoptive families they like, they’re given glossy brochures and shown videos that look like they’d been produced for TV – they hear about people’s favorite colors and foods, but aren’t able to learn anything beyond surface information. Their adoption guide will only talk with Chloe, not Josh, on the phone, and keeps saying that she’s “making a selfless gift” and “doing a noble thing” by planning an adoption. When Chloe asks about open adoption, she’s told that they’ll be able to receive photos and updates through the agency, but that visits aren’t recommended, because it could be confusing to the child. She also learns that the ongoing services the agency provides only include calling her adoption guide with questions for up to a year after the placement. There’s no counseling or open adoption relationship guidance. When Chloe and Josh find out that the agency won’t come to the hospital unless she’s committed to signing adoption consents, they decide there must be another option out there, and spend some more time exploring agencies online.

When they call OA&FS, they’re surprised to get an experienced counselor on the phone right away. The counselor asks how they’re doing, and invites them to share about their situation, rather than going straight to adoption planning or questions about the baby. They also appreciate that Josh is welcomed and included in the process from the beginning. In their initial meeting, they take in a lot of new information – along the way, they’d heard so many things about adoption that now feel untrue – it’s eye opening to hear a completely different perspective, one that makes perfect sense once they’re aware of it! They’re relieved to hear that lifelong counseling and relationship guidance is free, and feel deeply respected in learning exactly what their legal rights are (including that they won’t sign any paperwork until they’re ready). They’re provided information about prospective adoptive parents, even the written homestudy, which is so different from what they had experienced previously.

As they learn about what a truly open adoption looks like, they feel more and more secure that this is the path for them. They aren’t pressured at any point along the way, and are able to choose a family of two moms who right off the bat express excitement about how much they look forward to having them become part of their family. Chloe and Josh each create a legal contact agreement for three visits a year, since they aren’t sure about their future together, but both know that they will be involved in their son’s life no matter what. After they place their son in the adoptive moms’ arms, they have an entrustment ceremony where they all tearfully express how much their friendship and time together will always mean to them. They continue to meet with their counselor and join the OA&FS Birth Parent Facebook group to connect with other birth parents. They are both considering attending the next in-person birth parent retreat.

We honor your unique experience

Marissa grew up in the foster care system, and has navigated a myriad of challenges over the years. Finding herself pregnant for a third time stirs up strong feelings from her past, including a fear of judgment and a loss of control over her life. Her first son was removed by DHS and placed in a state adoption, due to the addiction issues that Marissa struggled with. Sadly, she was unable to play an active role in planning his adoption – she wasn’t involved in choosing his adoptive family and doesn’t have an agreement for ongoing visits, which has been heartbreaking for her.

When she gave birth to her daughter, she was determined to forge a different path, and has been able to parent her on her own to this point, despite enduring domestic violence in her current relationship and continued struggles with addiction.

With this third pregnancy, she immediately fears that child welfare will become involved if they discover her pregnancy, and that once again she’ll be shut out of her child’s life. She begins exploring voluntary adoption options, and reaches out to an adoption facilitator early in her pregnancy. But upon learning of her drug use, they tell her they won’t be able to work with her. She tries calling a national adoption agency, but feels put off when they immediately ask her for medical records and pepper her with questions about her prenatal care and the baby’s health, without inquiring about her own health and well-being. Feeling discouraged and frustrated, she considers waiting until she gives birth to make a plan, to escape her worries for the time being.

Then another service provider tells her about OA&FS, and after looking at the website and learning about the welcoming, non-judgmental pregnancy options counseling offered, she calls, speaks with a counselor and sets up a time to meet. From their first meeting, Marissa feels more open to sharing about herself than she had thought possible; she’s so relieved that the counselor never makes her feel bad about herself, or about her life. She and her counselor focus on addressing her immediate needs for safety, counseling and drug treatment, while also looking ahead to the birth of her baby. Marissa talks about her previous experiences with DHS and her resulting grief and fears. She’s able to clarify that she wants to plan an open adoption for this child, but one where she has choices in the process. She and her OA&FS counselor work closely with Marissa’s other services providers, empowering her to access drug treatment, counseling and support around domestic violence.

Despite the many challenges in Marissa’s life, she’s able to create a clear vision for her child’s future, one that includes an adoptive family who welcomes not only her child, but also Marissa, her daughter, her son and his adoptive parents into their lives. She chooses a couple that lives in the country and shares her love of horseback riding and hiking. She also admires their generosity and involvement in the local community. She recently shared with the adoptive parents just how much she appreciates them and the ways they have welcomed her into their family. Marissa deeply values the lifelong support and counseling at OA&FS that helps her process grief and build connections with all of her children. For the first time in her life she feels valued and respected.