From the Open Page archives: Life challenges can create distance
On this blog, we will occasionally be sharing articles from the old version of the OA&FS newsletter Open Page (which we recently brought back!). These articles were published between 2004 and 2014. A lot about adoption and the way we talk about it has changed since then, and some enduring themes continue to resonate. Note that we will be sharing these articles as they were written at the time, even though some terms may have changed. We invite you to view these historic articles as an opportunity for reflection as you consider how adoption and your own views of it may have evolved over the years, and what underlying values remain true to you.
The below article is written by former counselor Katie Stallman, who now works in private practice supporting families whose lives are impacted by adoption. If your adoptive or pre-adoptive family is interested in ways to nurture an open adoption relationship, we invite you to attend our upcoming panel discussion to hear from members of the adoption constellation on this topic. Learn more here.
By Katie Stallman, former OA&FS counselor
Adoptive parents sometimes choose not to maintain contact or to distance themselves much to the disappointment of the birth family. Sometimes the openness challenges adoptive parents far more than they feel prepared to manage. Though philosophically all OA&FS adoptive parents are committed to openness, practicing that commitment can causes challenges for some. Just like a birthparent can feel confused or uncertain about their role, adoptive parents struggle too, wondering: “Am I really this child’s parent? Does the birthparent’s presence challenge my connection to the child?” Though a healthy open adoption enhances an adoptive parent’s security with parenting, it is easy to lose sight of the benefits when rifled with self-doubt or fear about their role. Unresolved grief can also continue to challenge adoptive parents in surprising and unexpected ways for years down the road. Rather than address the grief directly, some choose to reduce or shy away from contact, hoping their fears and insecurities will disappear on their own.
Sometimes distance is created when adoptive parents are reluctant or challenged to commit the time and energy a relationship needs to flourish. Some adoptive families feel overwhelmed as new parents, as their child grows or as their family constellation changes, by the attention an open adoption relationship truly needs. “Life just gets in the way,” we hear. Over the years, we have also heard adoptive parents share some of their most pained reasons for not maintaining close contact with birthparents. When adoptive parents are at their worst, they often don’t share their struggles with the agency either. After all, we are the people who “approved them” to become adoptive parents. It is hard for them to then tell us, “I am struggling. I need help.” Sometimes, instead of reaching out, people retreat to protect themselves, alienating the birthfamily in the process.
One adoptive mom going through a divorce indicated that telling the birthfamily was absolutely the most terrifying experience for her. “The birthparents entrusted their child to us. And now I had to tell them we were getting a divorce,” she said. “It was awful,” she reflected. Thankfully, this adoptive family had the strength to share their news and manage the consequences. Though their relationship was challenged for a time, the connections remain. Other sensitive topics that adoptive parents find difficult to share with a birthfamily include: a health challenge (with themselves or with the child), behavioral challenges or learning disabilities the child may be struggling with, an unexpected move across or out of the country, a job loss, or other financial hardship. Basically any unexpected life challenge, which we ALL face at one point or another, can be hard to share with the people who chose you to become parents. In every adoption, when birthparents choose to place a child, there are a lot of expectations and hopes—some voiced and others less apparent. When adoptive parents feel like they are not living up to either the real or perceived expectations of the birthparent, they feel like they have failed. Unfortunately, sometimes these feelings, whatever the root may be, can contribute to adoptive parents losing touch.
What to do? It is critical for all of the adults in an open adoption to make continued efforts to communicate. No matter how much time has passed or distance created, it is never too late to reach out. Facing life challenges together and strengthening bonds through these experiences is an excellent model for the children we love.