From the Open Page archives: Openness without contact
On this blog, we will occasionally be sharing articles from the old version of the OA&FS newsletter Open Page (which we recently brought back!). These articles were published between 2004 and 2014. A lot about adoption and the way we talk about it has changed since then, and some enduring themes continue to resonate. Note that we will be sharing these articles as they were written at the time, even though some terms may have changed. We invite you to view these historic articles as an opportunity for reflection as you consider how adoption and your own views of it may have evolved over the years, and what underlying values remain true to you.
The below article is from the spring 2007 edition of Open Page; this entire issue was dedicated to the culture of openness, and we’ll be sharing other articles from it in the future.
By Kelly Sullivan, OA&FS Counselor (in 2007)
Many adoptive parents embrace the philosophy of open adoption; they envision their child encountering life’s questions with the supportive presence of adoptive and birthparents. Sadly, this vision does not always reflect the reality of open adoption experiences. A birthparent may have lost touch, or perhaps a birthparent was not ready for openness from the beginning, as is the case with many birthfathers. Whatever the reason, adoptive parents in these situations are challenged to build openness without direct communication with a birthparent. It can be more difficult to make room for birthparents when they have not remained connected with the adoptive family. However, we know from a history of closed adoption that honoring the adoptee’s connection to their birth family is not only a healthy way to address this absence, it can be healing. Keeping this in mind, many adoptive parents use compassion and creativity to take a new look at openness.
For Julie, there were visits with her son’s birthmother in the beginning, but over time that contact dwindled. Julie feels times of sadness both about the lack of contact and the wonderful things that her son’s birthmother is missing. Because Julie was able to know her child’s birthparent, she is able to envision clearly the difficulties that his birthmother is facing. Julie knows that if her son’s birthmother could be involved, she would be. Julie keeps this in mind as she prepares for her son’s questions, and she states that her son’s birthmother is still a natural part of their lives. Her son keeps a photograph of his birthmother in his room, and includes his birthmother in their prayers. Julie will also mention his birthmother in their casual conversations. Julie holds onto the hope that there will be more visits in the future. In the meantime, she gives him ways to understand his birthmother’s love for him. Julie tells him, “Some people who love you, see you a lot. Some people who love you, think of you a lot.”
Some parents choose to carefully document the time they had with their child’s birthparent. Sheryl knew there was a possibility that she would not have ongoing contact with her child’s birthmother and so it became even more important to document details about the adoption. Sheryl kept a journal and wrote about her first meeting with her daughter’s birthmother. Sheryl’s daughter is about 13 months old now, and, as Sheryl suspected, contact with her child’s birthmother has been sporadic. This has been a source of frustration for Sheryl, but she tries not to get caught up in that feeling. Sheryl says that she makes the effort to reach out to her daughter’s birthmother and keeps the door open. At the end of the day, she focuses her energy on taking joy in parenting.
Karen and Tom were chosen by birthparents who wanted a closed adoption. They would have preferred contact with their daughter’s birthparents, but Karen and Tom decided to honor their daughter’s birthparents by fully respecting their decision to have a closed adoption. Even without the knowledge of whom their child looks like or acts like, Karen says that her daughter’s birthparents have become a natural and constant part of her daily thoughts. At their daughter’s christening, Karen and Tom chose to say a few words about their daughter’s birthparents. Though Karen commented that some of her family and friends did not understand, she thought it would have felt unnatural not to acknowledge them in some way. Karen and Tom imagine they will continue to honor their daughter’s birthparents in that way, until their daughter is old enough to make her own choices about acknowledging them.
Adoptive families have learned many ways to help their children find connections to their birthparents. One adoptive parent sought out riding lessons for her daughters, knowing that their love for horses is a trait they share with their birth family. Some adoptive families have been able to spend time with their child’s birth sibling, and they cherish those connections. Adoptions with limited contact create a different type of challenge for adoptive parents. They learn to think broadly of the word openness, and through their flexibility and thoughtfulness, they create a new vision of connection for their child.