How do you explain openness to people who just don’t get it?
By content specialist Leah Lusk and program manager Delphine Veith
If you are living in an open adoption or exploring it as a possibility, it’s likely you’ll get some questions from the people around you. Although most adoptions now include some level of openness, the concept of open adoption continues to be strange to some people.
Maybe you’re an adoptee who shares stories about your biological parents and adoptive parents, and this is sometimes confusing to your friends.
Maybe you’re a birth parent who isn’t sure how to respond when people ask if you have children or how many because the answer is a bit more complicated than they are expecting.
Or maybe you’re an adoptive parent or prospective adoptive parent who welcomes the presence of your child or potential child’s biological family in your life, but this creates confusion for some people in your circle.
What can you say to people who just don’t get it?
Be open about openness – if you feel comfortable. Sometimes people will express fears about the idea of openness because it is unfamiliar. Maybe the only adoption stories they have heard portray closed adoption as the norm. Share what you’ve learned about openness and be honest if you had your own misconceptions in the past. Answer their questions as best as you can. Normalize our inherent human curiosity about where we come from and what makes us who we are, and explain that being adopted doesn’t change this. Figure out what aspects of your story you want to share with others, and what language feels comfortable for you. Some people even practice responses to common questions so they feel prepared when questions or comments come up. It might feel energizing to share what you know about openness, but it’s also not your responsibility to educate society all of the time.
Ask questions. If someone makes a comment that feels judgmental or not right about adoption, you might ask them where that idea or question comes from? Do they know other people who are part of an adoption constellation? Are they open to hearing a different perspective? Being curious with them might open the door to offering other resources or sharing your thoughts.
Share resources. Pass along any information that has helped you understand and embrace openness in your own life. Encourage people to consider perspectives from adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents – there are many resources available today from a variety of perspectives! Here are a few possibilities for resources you can share:
- What is open adoption? (OA&FS website)
- The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption, book by adoptive parent Lori Holden, with birth parent Crystal Hass
- The Inclusive Family Support Model. Here is a video introduction to this idea, which comes from Angela Tucker and Dr. JaeRan Kim and was inspired by Lori Holden’s book
- In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends (book)
- Open Adoption: Is It Worth the Angst, Fear and Complication? Blog post on the NCFA blog by adoptive parent Linda R. Sexton
If you or someone else you know wants to learn more about the realities of open adoption, you can register to attend the OA&FS speaker panel on April 24 entitled Nurturing your open adoption relationships. Learn more on the events page of our website.
And if you or someone you know is a service provider seeking to better understand open adoption and other services provided by OA&FS, check out our upcoming presentations and webinars.
As openness becomes better understood, adoptees and everyone else within the adoption constellation will feel better seen and supported by their families and communities.