Happy Mother’s Day? In adoption, it’s not that simple

By Katie Raser, OA&FS counselor

The second Sunday in May is quickly approaching and, for many, this is a day that can be full of complicated – and conflicting – emotions. For those who are part of the adoption constellation, as well as those who are hoping to parent through adoption, there can be extra layers of nuance.

Mother’s Day can be a day of complicated, and invisible, grief. It can represent a want that remains unfulfilled or a question without a good answer. It can be a day of big feelings, touchy tempers, or tears. It can also be a day of celebration, a day of honoring the mothers and mother figures in the world.

So how to navigate this day of roses (and thorns)? First and foremost, center adoptees. For adoptive parents, think about how to talk to your child about this day. Do they want to celebrate it? If so, what would they like to do? Do they want to send a card to their birth mother/parent? Have a visit? Make a phone call? If you are new in your adoption, now is a chance to think about what kind of traditions your family might create (or revisit those that you have already created!). It is okay (and encouraged!) to acknowledge that this can be a tricky day that might bring up lots of different feelings.

Including a birth mother/birthing person in the conversation is also important; how do they want to be recognized? They might appreciate flowers or a card, but they also might prefer something else. It is okay to ask the question!

It is also important for adoptive or prospective adoptive parents to take note of their own feelings on days set aside to celebrate parents. Explore what emotions come up for you when considering your own path to parenting and what you need to feel supported and nurtured. Ask for help if you need it – whether from friends, a support group, or a counselor – but make sure to separate your feelings from those that an adoptee may be experiencing. An adopted child’s grief about a birth parent does not mean that they do not love or cherish their adoptive parent.

For some in the adoption constellation, Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day) may never be a day of uncomplicated joy. It may be a shifting target as children get older and the experience of grief and loss shifts, or healing begins. It may be challenged by reunion or estrangement. Having vulnerable conversations with the adoptee, birth parent, and adoptive parents in your life is an excellent way to prepare for and navigate the myriad emotions that may come.

It is also important to add that while this post is focused on Mother’s Day, the feelings that come with it are not exclusive to this holiday. People may feel conflicting emotions on birthdays, anniversaries, and other holidays, whether big or small. It is hard to predict just when, and how, grief may show up; some years may go off without a hitch and others may feel like a sucker punch. This is why it is not only important to have a conversation, but to keep having them. It’s also important to thing about what to do after the day – to reflect, refresh, or heal.

And, just a reminder, it is also okay to give it a pass if that’s what feels best to everyone in your adoption constellation or family. Mother’s Day can be just another Sunday.