Am I unsafe or just uncomfortable?

By Leah Lusk, content specialist

Let’s say you’re walking down the sidewalk and approach someone talking loudly and incoherently to themselves. Your heart rate increases. You cross to the other side. Later, you might wonder: Was I actually in danger? Or was I just uncomfortable with visible mental illness?

Or maybe a family member’s political views have become increasingly extreme and every conversation feels tense. You are considering skipping Thanksgiving this year. But are you protecting yourself from harm, or avoiding discomfort?

These situations ask us to distinguish between two very different experiences: genuine safety concerns and simple discomfort. The distinction matters because they might require completely different responses.

What does this have to do with adoption?

There are plenty of situations in which adoptive parents may find themselves needing to examine this same question. What if one of your child’s biological parents has a mental health diagnosis you’re unfamiliar with? What if they struggle with addiction? What if they come from a completely different background (class, education level, life experience) and you’re just not sure how to navigate the relationship ?  Or maybe they are parenting other children and your approaches to parenting differ.

All of these scenarios can trigger anxiety. And it’s easy to convince yourself that discomfort is danger, especially when you want to keep your child safe.

An example we at OA&FS often provide is this: A biological mother arrives for a visit with her child while high. Her speech is slowed, her eyes are heavy, and partway through the visit, she starts to nod off.

An adoptive parent’s first instinct might be to cancel the visit. But what is the real cause for concern? It’s probably that she might fall asleep and drop the baby.

That’s a legitimate safety issue with a practical solution: Set her up on a couch surrounded by cushions. Stay nearby. The visit can still happen; after all, the fact that she showed up, despite everything she’s struggling with, is meaningful. It shows she really wants to be there.

The discomfort in watching someone you care about struggle is real. But discomfort doesn’t require canceling the visit. It requires sitting with hard feelings while still showing up for the relationship.

You can skip Thanksgiving dinner if you don’t want to talk politics. But parenting through adoption is a different kind of commitment, one that includes helping your child know all parts of who they are and maintaining relationships with all the people who love them.

Your relationship and the anxieties that come with it will shift and change over time. As your child grows, they will have input on what they want these relationships to look like, too. By establishing a foundation early on that prioritizes the relationship even when it’s uncomfortable, you’ll show your child that you are invested in supporting them and their connections with biological family. In some cases, you may also be modeling to your child what it’s like to set healthy boundaries and talk about tough topics.

The next time you feel that flutter of anxiety, in adoption or in other parts of your life, pause and ask: What am I actually afraid of here? Is there a real threat, or am I just in unfamiliar territory ?