Words matter, especially in adoption

By Leah Lusk, content specialist

The language we use shapes how we understand the world. In adoption, words shape how we understand families, relationships, and identity. The phrases we choose can validate people’s experiences or erase them. They can build connections or create distance.

As we often say, adoption is complex. It involves loss and love, grief and joy, difficult decisions and lifelong commitments. The way we talk about adoption should reflect that complexity, not flatten it.

At Open Adoption & Family Services, our language has evolved over the years, and it will continue to evolve. That evolution happens through listening: to birth parents, to adoptive parents, and especially to adult adoptees who can articulate what they needed to hear (or didn’t need to hear) throughout their lives.

When someone tells us that a particular phrase feels dismissive or inaccurate, we listen. When we learn that certain terms cause harm, we adapt. This isn’t about political correctness; it’s about accuracy and respect for lived experience.

For example, we talk about expectant parents making an adoption plan rather than “giving up” a baby. That language acknowledges what is almost always a difficult, heartbreaking decision rather than implying abandonment. For some people, the word “relinquish” feels most accurate to their experience of choosing to plan an adoption.

We refer to birth parents and adoptive parents and acknowledge that they are all “real” parents; all of these relationships are authentic.

We’ve learned that the distinction between “expectant parent” and “birth parent” protects autonomy. An expectant parent is someone who is pregnant and considering adoption as one option. They haven’t made a decision. Once someone has made an adoption plan and their child has been placed, they become a birth parent. That language matters because it honors where someone is in their decision-making process and doesn’t make assumptions.

We’ve learned to ask and listen. There’s no single set of terminology that works for everyone. Some people prefer “birth parent,” others “first parent,” still others “biological parent.” What matters is respecting how people describe their experiences. If someone tells you they’re a “birth mom,” use that. If they say “first mom,” honor that.

We also recognize that not all people who give birth identify as mothers or women. When possible, we use “birth parent” or “birthing parent.” When talking about a specific person, we use the terms they use for themselves. Families are diverse. Our language reflects that.

The goal isn’t perfection; it’s thoughtfulness. It’s being willing to examine our assumptions, listen to people’s lived experiences, and make changes accordingly.

When we use accurate, respectful language, we create space for honest conversations about adoption. We acknowledge its complexity, honor the people whose lives are touched by it, and build a culture where members of the adoption constellation can share their stories without fighting against outdated narratives.

Words matter. Let’s all keep learning how to use them better.