I know who I can call: Building my adoption network

Guest post by Jackie Wilson, OA&FS adoptive parent

If you know me, then it will come as no surprise that I needed a place to channel my nervous, hopeful, energy when we were in the waiting families pool. I desperately wanted to “nest” as my friends had done during their pregnancies, but of course my process would necessarily be different, and I didn’t have any close friends or family who were connected to adoption to lean on. For me, our time in the pool was filled with me diving into books, researching baby products, and, most significantly, dipping my toe into the adoption community. 

I still remember many of the participants from our OA&FS seminar, and we were excited to see some pop up in the pool and later in the newsletter with placements. Once we entered the pool, I quickly learned the faces of the other hopeful parents and started recognizing them at waiting family events. While the structure and frequency of those events have changed over the years, for us they were opportunities to talk with and learn with others who understood the unique emotions we were navigating in a way no one else could. I also remember going to our first summer picnic when we were still in the pool and watching with curiosity the families with kids of different ages, including a few newborns. I was also delighted to find that we weren’t the only ones currently in the pool at the event, and we’re still in touch with the couple we met that day.

I know I wasn’t alone in learning those faces, because one morning while we were in the pool, we went out to breakfast in our neighborhood. Another hopeful OA&FS adoptive parent recognized us and introduced herself. That connection turned into an invitation to join a waiting community through Adoptive Friends and Families of Greater Seattle (AFFGS), many more adoption connections, a nanny share together, and, most importantly, a support system for each other. I am so glad that this adoptive mom was brave enough to walk up and introduce herself one morning in a café. I am also proud to call her child my son’s first friend. It felt like fate when our son arrived less than a month before her son, so we’ve had the unique privilege of navigating so many of the stages of parenting, and adoptive parenting, at the same time. What I value most is that we can talk about some of the nuances of open adoption with each other with a shared understanding of our adoption values and love for our kids’ first families.

Perhaps we were uniquely lucky to meet the families that we did. Our son was born in May 2020, a challenging time to become parents for everyone around the world. There happened to be a number of placements through OA&FS over the next 6 weeks or so, and while every COVID placement experience was unique, those families were navigating many of the same challenges that we were. Likewise, a 2020 placements group formed through AFFGS, and those families with babies born just before COVID were also struggling to make sense of adoptive parenting in a pandemic.

We participated in a PEPS group and valued the experience, but as nice as the families were, we always felt like the odd ones out. (Editor’s note: PEPS, or Program for Early Parent Support, is a Seattle-area nonprofit that connects new parents via small peer-support groups.) In addition to being older (no surprise there), it felt awkward explaining some of the unique experiences of adoption, and it was a constant reminder that we became parents in a different way. Talking with our adoption communities felt easier and more productive.

During those early months of parenting our son and feeling isolated because of COVID, I was missing the opportunity to connect with other OA&FS families. We couldn’t have a summer picnic to meet the other families with new placements in person, so I asked Delphine at OA&FS if I could advertise a “families with recent placements” group through the newsletter. I found that there were a lot of other families interested in talking, and we had video calls and sent Slack messages, which eventually turned into playdates as we all slowly emerged from COVID isolation. The needs of the group changed to focus on families in the Greater Seattle Area as we moved toward meetups, and ultimately the formality of the group and any regular meeting structure have fallen away, but numerous friendships remain.

Of all the groups we have participated in, the families we have met through OA&FS are the most like-minded and easiest for us to talk to when we need advice. As I write this piece, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the connections my husband and I have made over the past 7+ years. The families and individuals we have met helped us to learn so much more than we would have on our own, making us better parents through the resources they introduced and the wisdom they offered, but also through the opportunity to raise our son in the presence of other adoptees.

So what does all this mean? The short answer is that I’m still figuring it out, and I imagine I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. What I know for sure is that we don’t have to be on this adoptive parenting journey alone. If something comes up and I need to talk to another parent who gets it, I know who I can call or text. If I need a recommendation for a great adoption-savvy pediatrician or therapist, I have multiple people I can reach out to for ideas. My hope for OA&FS, and for all adoptive parents, is that we continue to grow our communities and support one another. I believe these communities are part of our open adoption constellation.

If you are interested in connecting with other OA&FS families, I encourage you to attend the twice-a-year meetups hosted by OA&FS. In addition to those, I am hoping we can find ways for families to talk and make the kinds of connections that I have so valued. If you live in the Portland area, consider reaching out to Amy Allen at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). Or, if you have other ideas, please feel free to reach out to Delphine at OA&FS or to me directly at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).

Jackie Wilson is an OA&FS adoptive parent and a high school science teacher in Seattle. She and her husband became parents to their son through adoption in 2020.